Saturday In the Park

Behold:
As you may be able to decipher from the above picture, this photo was taken on a warm spring day in a beautiful outdoor setting. In this type of situation, I feel that leather pants are innapropriate when you aren't at (or planning to attend) the Folsom Street Fair. But that's just me.

If wearing these pants wasn't a mistake, tucking in the shirt really, really, was.


Ah, the best for last. If you can't see it in the photo, let me be the one to tell you that, yes, those are nude pantyhose. I actually think this is the one element that makes sense. I mean, if you're going to bite the bullet and wear leather pants on a warm day, you might not be able to remove them without taking precautionary measures. Best not to let them actually come into contact with any skin, dig?

Bad Political Fashion

Today we will be discussing the fashion sensibilities of an incarnation of Satan know as Ann Coulter. Everybody who's anybody knows that Ann Coulter is nasty bigot, but I think that people are sooo wrapped up in criticizing her for her diarrhea of the mouth, we forget about the real danger she poses to our society. I'll walk you through a little of it.

This camel toe may get you kicked out of your Concerned Women for America meeting. But what's a pair of yellow stretch jeans without a fourteen inch zipper? Judging by the size of her cell, this was probably circa 1999, but this wasn't in style then, either.





Take your size, like, fifteen boots back to Payless, lady. What is with the Nicky Hilton knees? And I don't think another shoe/skirt combination could be any less flattering to your legs. Wash down a Valium with an Ensure and you'll become much more tolerable.




Remember when shrugs were in? Me too. And it wasn't during this interview. I sort of dig the idea of the bell sleeve and sheer fabric but only on a man who is also wearing a fishnet cocktail dress, towering platform heels, blue glitter eyelashes, and a hot orange feather boa.



It's called a sweater set because you're supposed to wear it together. If you don't wear the sweater, then you just have on an ugly sleeveless knit in a strange color. Nice touch with the cross, though. They always do have a fine selection of tacky, diamond-encrusted crosses in various in-your-face sizes at Zales.


If you want to see some more outfits, just go to her website at www.anncoulter.com. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll read the content and realize why she's been engaged so many times but no one would buy the cow.

Sweet Jesus, what the hell is that?

If you are not sure whether this is a man or a woman, you aren't alone. Believe me, I love androgyny as much as the next person but only when done right. What still astonishes me about this picture is that I took it in a normal place, on an ordinary day last week, despite popular opinion that she was photographed during Lesbian Bike Week 1992. I know this is a whole lot of look so lets break it down: black pleather baseball cap, drab turtleneck, fluorescent multicolored windbreaker, double-breasted olive trench (hey, she's into the layered look), pleated high-waisted houndstooth trousers, and what could only be described as standard-issue bus driver footwear. She was also wearing hot pink tube socks and a dirty black cotton scrunchie which I was unable to capture but did cause me to throw up in my mouth a little bit. Everybody has a mirror in their home right? How can you look in, see this, and say to yourself, "yup, ready to go outside"? Trying to wear as many different synthetic fabrics as you can, all at once, should never be a goal when conceptualizing an outfit. It begs the question: Why dress like a homeless person when you actually have a home?

This Ain't Face Hunter

This woman is, not on her own, but as part of a large and misguided group of people, the reason I started this blog. I can't tell you where I took this picture, but I will tell you that I probably saw two hundred people that day in the same town who could have become posts themselves. Suffice to say, there is an epidemic of unflattering clothes going on in my neck of the woods. And, instead of helping people in a What Not To Wear kinda way, I'm content to just make fun of them in a Evil Queen Bee in the tenth grade way. Where shall we begin on this poor soul? Ah, yes, the swing pack. Nylon, brass hardware, exterior key fob. What more could you want in a fanny pack with a freakishly long strap? You know what I love about oddly short Adidas track pants? That obnoxious swishing noise they make when you walk. Made worse by the fact that YOU ARE NOT AT THE GYM! "She could have been at the gym earlier in the day", you say. To which I reply, "She could not have been at any fitness center because she is wearing a crisp-collared polo shirt under her mustard yellow sweatshirt" (which had green and pink writing on the front, by the way).
At least she's coordinated with the shopping cart in the background, which sort of pulls the whole look together, don't you think?

Texas. Yeah.

For our first post, let us ponder the lovely ladies of FLDS. I am a firm believer that you should not necessarily let your Crazy leak into your closet. Let us, for a moment, take a step back to truly consider these outfits. I have a suspicion that this is couture in the truest sense as I doubt the use of machines of any kind is sanctioned by the cult leader. What this photo also tells me is that it is very difficult to switch to another dressmaking pattern once you've mastered one. Life is never easy and these modern-day women obviously have some arduous decisions to make when they wake up at four am to milk the cows and wash their Savior's feet. Which ill-fitting-baby-wallpaper-inspired-color- nineteenth-century-peasant dress today? How high would I like my pompadour? Brown or black Rockports? Brooch or Swatch? Men's tube socks or men's tube socks? But, hey, maybe I just don't get it. Maybe it's on the cutting edge of hipster fashion and I just didn't get the memo. Come to think of it, I think I saw Mary-Kate Olsen rocking something very similar on the pages of Us Weekly recently...